If you’re having doubts about having twins (and lord knows I was), this photo should put THAT to rest. If I’d had this photo — Pancake and Sausage, ten days old — when I was fat and miserable and on hospital bedrest, I might not have been such a cranky miserable bitch for my entire twin-pregnancy.
But if YOU are currently twin-pregnant and miserable: I get it. I really do. Which is why I wrote THIS list — it ain’t all as bad as you think / fear, promise:
1. Doctors actually WANT you to gain weight when you’re carrying twins.
None of that 15-20 pounds bullshit, when you’re carrying twins. Nope, whole books have been written about how you oughtta be putting on anywhere from 40-60 pounds when you’ve got twins on board. (I love THIS BOOK, by the way. Buy it. It’s truly THE gold standard in TWIN PREGNANCY books.)
But back to the FOOD FEST: Bring on the cupcakes, the milkshakes, the porterhouse steaks. Putting on the baby weight isn’t just a job when you’re carrying twins — it’s a SPORT. A yummy, yummy, yummy sport.
2. Doctors WANT you to stop working out earlier when you’re carrying twins.
Sure, this might be a minus in SOMEBODY’S book, but not mine. I worked out well into the 30+ week range with Diddy and Gaga, but I had to quit around 16 weeks with the boys. I literally. Could not. Keep. Up. And it was awesome. Bye-bye skipping-pilates guilt. Hello one more hour to sit on my ass and eat ice cream.
3. Doctors are quick to send to you to BED when you’re carrying twins.
Ok, so this isn’t THE coolest thing ever, especially if the bed they send you to is on a hospital ward. I can attest to thinking I was going to lose my mind the couple of weeks I spent on hospital bedrest. That said: I watched three seasons of DEXTER on my iPad, which was fun. And my girlfriends came and hung out and brought me lunch. I haven’t had that much time to hang with my girlfriends since … so if you DO end up on bedrest, do the things that REALLY MATTER. Watch TV you’re behind on. Connect with your friends. And get some sleep, girl! If you’re in the hospital, you can even talk them into giving you Ambien. Take it. You need those ZZZs.
4. Once they finally get here, twins do great things for your figure .
If you’re nursing them, you actually WILL lose the baby-weight, and fast. Nursing Pancake and Sausage, I was back down to my fighting weight in four months. Yep — forty-five pounds lost in four months, because TWO KIDS SUCK IT OFF YOU. (One kid, not so much. It took me a close to a year to pull myself together while nursing Diddy. Same deal with Gaga. The secret to losing the weight nursing is NURSING TWINS.) Even if you’re not nursing, doing everything TWICE burns TWICE the calories, really.
5. Twins do great things for your attitude.
BYE BYE GUILT. Hello, GOING WITH THE FLOW. Seriously. Not nursing your twins because nursing two is a giant PITA? NO ONE FAULTS YOU FOR IT. Not going to every baby class on earth because getting two out the door can be a major PITA, (not to mention paying for TWO is a major hit to the bank account)? NO ONE FAULTS YOU FOR IT. Not responding to every single tear because you can only be in one place at a time? NO BIGGIE, MAMA. Woo-hoo! Give yourself a pass!
6. Twins do great things for your general appearance.
They really do provide that extra incentive you need to shower / brush your teeth before you leave the house. This is because everyone who lays eyes on you when you’re out with your twins is going to want to talk to you. Seriously. EVERYONE. You’d think you were walking the streets with a tiger and a unicorn in your DOUBLE CITY MINI (seriously, people, I can’t say this enough, you NEED THIS STROLLER!) from the amount of attention you and your twins get. So really, buy that pair of cute jeans you wanted. People actually will be looking at you in them.
8. Baby clothes are CHEAPER when you’re buying for twins!
Ok, well, not really, but more in the sense of COST-PER-USE. You know how you justified that new pair of jeans because you plan to LIVE IN THEM? You can go a little nuts at the baby boutiques for the same reason. Instant 2-for-1 value!
So now you can ALL look hot when you’re out-and-about. Not that you HAVE to leave the house that often, because really, no one expects you to. Which is why:
7. Twins are THE GREATEST EXCUSE ever made.
Got me RIGHT off the PTA. Seriously. All I had to do was whisper to my nursery school director that I was pregnant with twins and POOF! no one has asked me to donate even fifteen minutes of my time since. And I say this as someone who practically LIVED at that school before then. I mean, seriously. I should have had a mattress in the corner of the Mommy-and-Me room.
Finally, and most importantly:
8. Twins are THE GREATEST THING “BABY” THAT EVER HAPPENED TO YOU.
Here’s why. You know that whole “how can I ever love my second child as much as I love my first?” thing that happens? Well, you can. Your heart just gets HUGER, your love just gets DEEPER. With twins, that happens all at once. Big heart, huge love. And it goes both ways. One baby looks at you with soul-crushing adoration. TWO BABIES? TWO SETS OF BABY EYES STARING AT YOU WITH EXTREME LOVE SIMULTANEOUSLY? Sign me up. And just WAIT till you see them looking at EACH OTHER. OMG. Here’s a little backstory for that photo up top: Pancake and Sausage spent their first 10 days apart — Pancake stayed behind in the NICU, growing, when Sausage came home with me. But the moment they were re-united in their Pack-N-Play, those tiny little babies snuggled up together as if they hadn’t been separated for a single second. It was amazing.
And it continues to be amazing. Every. Single. Day.